Breaking the Radio Silence
A lot has shifted since I last posted. I’m in a new place, with new people, and new things I’m working on. I’ve spent the last few months traveling, visiting friends in different places around the world, and finding myself more and more along the way. Finding opportunity for closure in new ways in the same places, and allowing myself to close chapters were slowly wrapping up over the last few months and year.
I’m present to a melancholy mood in myself. As I’m writing this I’m holding space for the loss of a friend I recently experienced, and how this loss came at the same time that I was driving to a new place to start a new job and period of my life. I’m learning how to hold space for both, to allow myself to grieve, cry, be vulnerable, while also allow myself to be open for new connection and receive support from new people I have only just met. I’m grateful to have developed skills to navigate this duality of experiences over the past few months, and my most helpful tool has been to lead with vulnerability and transparency and thus create the space for myself to have an authentic experience in all the ways that looks. Also just allowing myself the support that is offered and not carry the load all by myself, because it feels heavy right now.
Over this past 1-2 months that I haven’t posted anything. It was really easy to take break and it helped me realize that posting every week is not what is necessarily what I’m committed to at this moment. I am committed to posting, but I think shifting to posting two times a month feels a lot more my speed right now. As I write this I am asking myself ‘why is posting important to me at all?” And the answer to that for me brings me back to my first post. I want a space that isn’t tied to the 3D to be a space for me and mine, and those who choose to read (thank you for reading ;)). To catalogue my journey through time, a place where I share my ideas, art, the art I appreciate, and just an area to express whatever is on my mind in this moment.
A few days later…
I still like Wednesdays to post so I waited till today. All of my previous things still stand and I had a birthday from then and now! I’m 24 now, and to answer three birthday questions that a co-worker asked me. What am I leaving behind? What am I bringing into the year to come? And what am I going to create going forward? (All transparency, these may not be the exact questions but this is what I remember).
-I am leaving being playing small. So much of 23 was discovering my own voice and what opens up when I choose to lean into my power. Breaking through the conversations in my head that kept me from speaking up and speaking my truth.
- I am bringing self-trust into the year to come. Following my last note, I have lived so much of my life looking at those around me for the answers. 23 was a lot of asking myself what would be possible if I trusted myself and being blown away by what I have been able to create when I choose to take the leap of faith and bet on myself. Feeling brave enough to speak up in spaces that I want to see change, and understand that I get to be the change I want to see. Following this, I also have developed self trust in my ability to take ownership of my mistakes, be responsible for how I show up, receive feedback, and continue to grow and learn from a place of openness and curiosity. A large part of trusting myself too is connected to viewing the world through a systems lens. Leaning into self-trust has been an exercise in risk as well as an exercise in unpacking systemic programming. As a person who was socially conditioned as a fem presenting person in a cis-gendered, heteronormative, patriarchal, capitalistic, and racial society I get to connect with what it means to trust MYSELF and not the status quo.
-With my 24th year and beyond I am committed to creating liberation, community, love, honesty, abundance, ease, and authenticity. I resonate with the mantra, “If it’s to be it’s up to me!” And feel that if I want to experience these things in my life and in the world that I get to be source for them. I get to shift and shift and find ways to create these things for myself, my community, and then the world. It will be a lifelong process, and I know it will be stretchy. I’m asking myself to put down the conversations of being liked, being right, and being safe, because at the end of the day I’m committed to much bigger things and am much more effective, happy, free, open and loving when I chose to be my powerful, present, and courageous self.
Aight, till next time xx.
