Time to play BIG.
The first time I can remember someone telling me I was stupid I was four or five years old. I was standing at the top of a slide on a play ground and an other four or five year old called me stupid for hesitating and blocking her way down the slide. I got out of the way and walked down off the play structure and straight to safety, aka my mom.
It’s always peculiar to me how to see what memories become core memories and stay with me forever, and which ones drift into the ether. When I was in high school, Cindy Crawford’s nephew called me stupid in math class, strengthening my story. I got an A in that class, and yet the story of my subpar intellect became a core part of my subconscious and conscious identity.
When I thought that I wasn’t intelligent the drive for excelling beyond mediocrity was diminished. I embraced my mediocre identity and decided that good enough was— good enough. I enjoyed learning, but never could see where my love for information and critical thinking could take me. I had never had a plan for what I wanted to do with my life and assumed that I would just go step by step through life and feel it out without having any plan for a career for myself. It took a pretentious and unkind ex-boyfriend to help me realize that maybe I wasn’t mediocre in my intelligence after all. In back handed compliments he would tell me how he liked talking with me because I could “keep up”. We would discuss history, anthropological theory, and philosophy. I knew he was smart from him being in the honors program and becoming a very successful musician, and although an inconsiderate partner, to hear something that went against my narrative of my intellectual lack made me think that maybe I’m not as mediocre as I once believed.
I’ve recently been in a transformational training that has been incredibly supportive in looking deep into the stories that I have lived my life by. I’ve been able to see that my story of being dumb allowed me to be a victim to the systems I was in. And it’s funny because I excelled in college I never let my success penetrate my story. I watched my friends struggle academically and it was so clear to me that these traditional education systems are built for the few with a neurotypical brain, leaving a vast amount of (very smart)individuals to experience blows to their self esteem for not being able to perform in a very particular way. I suck at test taking, but give me an essay and thats where I can shine.
Dissolving my stories has provided me with a sense of renewed freedom and awareness that every timeline exists, and all I have to do is pick one and move towards it. I am incredibly grateful to have friends who see the greatness in me and support me in challenging myself to be the biggest version of myself that I can be.
When I think of what I want for my life I want to be in service, I want to be in community, I want to be in connection, and I want to use my brain(that is smart) and access to education to make the difference in the world that I want to see. I believe I have a natural ability to connect with people and provide support, and am learning how to more effectively coach and ask the right questions.
I want to be a doctor. A doctor of psychology. It feels exciting, and realistic to write that. I am committed to going back to school and making this happen because I believe that it is a way that I can live true to myself, my strengths, and while filling up the cups of others from the overflow of my own. I know grad school will be a grind, and I know I can do it. Also being a doctor will truly throw my stupid story on its head ;) I get to play BIG, be committed, put the work in, and live to my potential. Alright, (soon to be)Dr. Adler signing off.
xoxo
